


After School Troublemakers

by jstonedd



Category: Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 20:48:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3824584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jstonedd/pseuds/jstonedd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Collection of Crackfics. They start out as normal club meetings like on any other day. Except they get really gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. After School Procrastinators

**Author's Note:**

> I'm beginning to move some of my tumblr fics to here because they're easier to find and read this way

Idol Research Club Room. After school.

“Today, we need to address a serious issue,” Nico announced with a grim look. She folded her hands on the table.

“If it’s because I don’t want to write that stupid song for you, I’m out,” Maki said and crossed her arms.

“Okay, first of all, rude,” Nico growled, glaring at Maki. “Second of all, why do you always have to reject anything I say before I finish talking?”

“Sorry,” Maki said with a shrug, sounding completely unapologetic. “Old habit. Please continue, club president.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” Nico forcefully said, turning to the other club members who had watched their short interaction with either an eye-roll or a sigh. “The issue I wanted to discuss with you guys is not about Maki’s incorrigible attitude -”

“Hey-”

“-but about our fans.”

“Our fans?” Eli repeated questioningly. “Did something happen?”

“Well, it didn’t exactly  _happen,_ more like it’s been that way from the start,” Nico said with a grimace.

“Would you please elaborate,” Umi asked, her impatience showing through her knitted eyebrows.

Nico took a deep breath, closing her eyes. “How do I put this lightly…”

“Begin with the less bad parts?” Honoka suggested with a hopeful smile. “Maybe it’s not that big of an issue as you think if you can list some positive sides too!”

“Well,” Nico lightly scratched behind her ear with a finger, “the good thing is, we have some dedicated fans who enjoy our group dynamic and adore our friendships. They just enjoy seeing µ’s enjoy themselves, besides our music of course. They are mostly female.”

“That’s amazing,” Kotori clapped her hands together, smiling. “How is that part of an issue?”

“Because these fans are the minority,” Nico gravely concluded. “Probably not even more than fifteen percent of our entire fanbase.”

“Oh.” Kotori lowered her hands until they dropped on her lap. “Oh…”

“And that means…?” Rin trailed off in confusion, not understanding why the rest had gotten so quiet.

“Uh, you see, Rin,” Hanayo began, uncomfortable about having to say it out loud, “a lot of our fans are…”

“Perverts, weirdos, nerds,” Maki listed with her fingers, “probably only there because of Nico.”

“Um, at least I don’t get drawn naked as frequently as you are,” Nico countered. “But I can’t really tell because most of the time we’re drawn naked together, so…”

Several gasps of indignation, shock and horror echoed in the club room.  

“What the hell,” Maki pressed out between gritted teeth, cheeks flushed. “We have  _that_  kind of fans?”

“Oh, you sweet child,” Nozomi mumbled, shaking her head with a sigh.

Too disgusted and indignant to speak up, Umi worked her tense jaw, causing her stiff bones to make a cracking sound. Kotori startled and quickly put a hand on her friend’s lap to calm her down because what Umi was doing sounded quite unhealthy to her.

“You might want to cool down, Umi,” Nico said after clearing her throat. “You haven’t even seen the things involving you.”

“Nico,” Eli hissed quietly, “could you not worsen the situation-”

“You’re sometimes in them too, Eli,” Nico added, “you know, in those pictures. With Umi. Sometimes  _on_  Umi -”

“Nico!” Both Eli and Umi exclaimed, horrified.

“What, you’ve got to face the truth sooner or later,” Nico shrugged. “This is what our fans want.”

“Are you sure?” Nozomi probed, looking doubtful. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe that the combination of Elichi and I is more popular.”

“Nozomi!”

But Eli’s embarrassed outcry was neither acknowledged by Nico nor Nozomi.

“No, you’re right,” Nico nodded, gesturing to her classmates. “You two have a solid standing. I am only Nozomi’s second choice.”

“Wait a minute-” Eli tried to interject, but Nozomi reached over the table to touch Nico’s hand.

“That’s not true, Nicochi,” she said, grinning, “there’s always the option of you, Elichi and I going out together.”

“Wait a minute-” This time, Maki tried to get a word in, but Nico was louder.

“Thanks for the offer,” Nico nodded, “but I decline.” She crossed her arms behind her head. “I can’t afford a girlfriend, let alone two.”

“That’s your reason?!”

Rin noticed Maki slumping down in her seat. “Maki?”

“Oh, Maki,” Nico perked up as if she had just noticed her. “You and Rin are quite popular too.”

“Eh?” Rin pointed to herself. “Rin and Maki?”

“W-wait,” Hanayo stuttered, “where does that leave me?”

“Sometimes you’re with Rin, sometimes with Maki, sometimes with them both, but you’re never without…well, rice.”

Hanayo nodded approvingly.

“You’re okay with that?” Maki asked, incredulous.

Hanayo nodded again and smiled brightly. “My fans seem to know what makes me the happiest, isn’t that a proof of how important you two are to me?”

The rest of the µ’s members felt like they had to shield their eyes from being blinded by the shine of angel-like pureness that Hanayo emitted.

“Hey, Nico,” Honoka bounced in her seat, “say, who’s the most popular partner for me?”

“Honoka?” Her club members couldn’t believe that she wanted to take this topic further.

“What,” Honoka pouted, “I want to know.”

“Well, that’s a tough one,” Nico hummed, glancing into the round. 

“You,” she pointed at Umi, “and you,” her finger switched over to Kotori, “for some reason you,” it landed on Maki, “and you.” Eli was the last one. “You’re all hot candidates. And Tsubasa.”

“Whoa,” Honoka breathed, her chest swelling up.

“What are you looking so proud for,” Maki muttered.

“Ehehe,” their leader giggled, “it’s like I’ve got a harem.”

“But you’re also a popular love triangle plot device,” Nico added, frowning. “And most of the time you’ve got no idea because it’s an issue between Kotori and Umi.”

Honoka’s expression fell. “Eh? Why? I don’t want to be!”

Kotori glanced at Umi with a worried look, expecting her to explode in outrage, but Umi was surprisingly calm. It seemed that she had had enough time to steel herself after Nico had first approached the topic.

“I hardly find that comprehensible,” Umi began in a neutral tone. “Anything that implies that our friendship becomes fragile and breakable the moment we harbor romantic feelings for each other is an insult to the deep understanding we share of each other. Even if I were to have unrequited feelings for Kotori or Honoka, I would not let this circumstance cheapen our friendship. If Honoka and Kotori are happy, then I will support that,” Umi’s voice got hoarse, “even if it hurts. But I would not forgive myself if I destroyed something beautiful with a selfish desire of mine.”

“Umi,” both Kotori and Honoka whispered, clutching their chest. Tears sprang to their eyes. And they flung themselves at Umi, enveloping her in a hug from both sides, tightly clinging on to her and snuggling up against her face.

“We could never do that to you,” Kotori sniffled, and Honoka eagerly nodded, “Yeah, I would suffer too if you suffered!”

“Kotori…Honoka…” Umi whispered, touched, and a little bit in pain because Honoka’s arms were wrapped around her neck while Kotori’s arms were around her head, and she feared she would not get enough oxygen with them two squeezing her so tightly.

“Um, guys?” Nico threw a pen at Honoka’s head, but she didn’t budge. “Take it outside. Please. Do us a favor.”

The other members didn’t think that the three second years were still able to react to anything outside their little world, but they actually stood up.

Embarrassed now that all eyes were on them, Umi cleared her throat. “Please excuse us. The three of us need to talk in private.”

“Is what she says, but we won’t let her talk too much, right Kotori?” Honoka grinned.

Kotori giggled and nodded, then ran out of the clubroom with Honoka squealing and laughing while Umi chased after them, shouting and waving a fist in the air, “We will not do such shameful things before our first date!”

The club room fell silent. No one spoke for a while as they were too occupied with processing the new developments in their group.

“So,” Rin’s eyes were still widened in surprise, “are they dating nyaow?”

“Who knows,” Nico muttered. “Also, these ‘nya’ puns need to stop.”

Rin stuck out her tongue. “You are nyat my mother.”

“Rin…” Nico growled, narrowing her eyes.

Maki sighed. “Don’t do it.”

Rin innocently tilted her head. “I will nyaver do it again.”

“Oh my god.”

Maki buried her face in her hands as Nico shot up from her seat and reached across the table, trying to get a hold of Rin’s cheeks, but the first year was faster and had run out of the club room laughing.

“Rin!” Hanayo called after her in alarm, standing up as well, “your skirt! Your underwear is show-…eh, isn’t that mine?! Rin!”

And she hurriedly ran after her friend to both stop her from further running around school with her panties showing and berate her for stealing her underwear. Again.

Nozomi casually leaned back in her seat. “If Hanayo was in my subunit, we might have to change our name to Cotton White.”

“God, Nozomi,” Nico groaned and let her head fall back, “not you too. This is starting to feel a lot like a kindergarten group.”

“Well, you would fit right in,” Maki muttered, twirling a strand of hair around her finger.

“This joke is getting old,” Nico rolled with her eyes. “Yeah, I look like a little kid, bla bla blergh.” She smirked. “But just wait until we’re older and you come crying to me about your saggy skin and boobs – actually, please don’t – while I look like I’m still twenty. Who’s laughing then?”

“Yes, yes,” Eli sighed, “must be probably nice not to have to show your ID anymore once you’re fifty.”

“Oooh,” Nozomi and Maki let out behind their hands and turned to Nico with an expectant look.

Nico’s right eyebrow twitched as she faked a smile. “Are you sure you want to challenge me now?”

Eli gave her a wary look. “What do you mean?”

Nico folded her hands, then tilted her head with a sweet smile. “There’s this little doujin where Nozomi’s in love with me but still agrees to go out with you when you ask her. What if our fans are able to look into the future?”

Eli’s expression froze. As well as Maki’s.

“Nicochi!” Nozomi exclaimed in an exaggerated shocked tone. She gave Nico a thumbs-up sign beneath the table, to which Nico answered with a discreet okay sign.

“N-Nozomi?” The usually cool and composed Eli began stuttering as she turned to her best friend and asked her with the look of a wounded puppy, “That’s not true, right? You wouldn’t lie to me like that, right? I mean, if I ever asked you out…you would be honest with me, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course,” Nozomi said gently and spread her arms wide, and Eli gladly let herself be comforted in a warm embrace. “Nicochi was just playing around.” And while she soothingly patted Eli’s head that was resting against her shoulder, Nozomi winked at Nico and smiled gratefully. Nico waved her off but looked quite satisfied with herself.

She stood up and stretched her arms, then turned to Maki, who still sat frozen in her chair. “I suggest you flee now because before you know it, you’re choking on lilies spreading from everywhere and you’re two verses into Garasu no Hanazono.”

But she got no reaction. 

“Okay,” Nico shrugged, “I don’t judge if you’re into that.”

As Nico strolled out of the club room, Maki seemed to have finally woken up from her trance and when the first thing she saw was Nozomi’s tongue in Eli’s mouth, it took her less than two seconds to bolt.

“Wait, Nico!”

“Hm?” Nico stopped walking and turned around to Maki, who had caught up with her.

“I saw what you did there,” Maki said quietly.

“Eh? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nico said in a sugary sweet tone.

Frustrated, Maki pinched Nico’s arm, who yelled ‘Ouch!’ and slapped away her hand.

“Maki,” Nico whined, rubbing her arm, “I didn’t know you were the type to bully the ones you like.”

Flustered, Maki quickly retorted without thinking, “And I didn’t know that you were my type!”

She only realized what she had said when it was already too late.

“No, I came out wrong! I mean,  _that,_ that came out wrong!” Maki felt sweat dripping down her forehead. “You’re not my type and I didn’t come! Out! Oh my god, I meant to say come  _out –_ I mean, it’s not what I meant to say the first time around but now I do  _–_ ah geez, stop laughing at me!”

And Maki angrily stomped away from Nico, who was laughing so hard that she had sunk to the ground on her knees, pounding the floor with her fist and shaking her head.

“This is it, this is how I go,” Nico panted between laughs that shook her body, “my soul is going to leave me for Idol Heaven.”

But then she choked on her spit and violently coughed for a whole minute, which left her lying on the ground feeling drained. 

“Fine, I get it,” she sighed, “Idol Hell it is.”


	2. After School Baby-Sitters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know what to say - just the usual crack and gay

There were only specific groups of people Maki was afraid of. Thugs, murderers, generally criminals, fedora wearing men, and of course, the most terrifying kind of humans in existence,  _babies_.

They terrified her because babies held so much power despite contributing zero to their environment. People would rush to feed them, play with them, gush over them, fuss overthem, make a big deal over them – they were the future after all. But right now, they were a dependent species that wouldn’t last a day without proper care.

Maki was aware that she herself had been a baby once too. Unpopular baby photos proved the existence of those days where it was socially acceptable for Maki to cry in the middle of the night because she had wet herself. If she could have it her way, she would destroy all evidence of ever being useless, insisting that she was born with a fully developed brain and the instinct to go to the toilet herself.

Alas, the rules of nature and biology applied to everyone, and Maki could not defy Nico’s argument.

“I hate to tell you this, but you also used to be exactly like that. And I don’t have to be your mother to know.”

With _that_ , Nico was referring to the thing that caused Maki to stand a little apart from her group, gazing at it in irritation because its screaming was grating on her nerves.

“Make it stop,” Maki scowled, sticking her pointer fingers in her ears, which didn’t do much to dampen the noise. “Why is it even crying? Is it worried about the economy? Is it already stressing over tuition fees?”

“Uh…” Rin gave Maki an unsure glance. “I think when babies cry it’s just a natural reaction to being afraid…”

“Of what?” Maki asked. “Of disappointing their parents with a degree in the arts?”

Eli raised a brow. “Why are your comebacks so awfully specific.”

“Maki,” Umi sighed, “we are no more experts on baby-sitting than you are.”

“And for the last time, her name’s Rina,” Nico said, “stop calling her ‘it’.”

Maki crossed her arms. “Giving something a name only causes attachment to it.”

“Are you being difficult on purpose?” Nico asked in frustration.

“Guys, shh,” Honoka whispered, pointing to the baby in Kotori’s arms. “Rina stopped crying.”

“Finally she decides to show some manners,” Maki threw up her hands, “geez, is she like five or what?”

“She’s not even one…” Hanayo whispered.

“Why do we even have to baby-sit her again?” Maki complained. “I know that making people smile with our dancing and singing is kind of our job, but I draw the line if our audience has to pull up to our concerts in buggies.”

“Maki,” Umi said impatiently, “this is just temporary. Can you please try to be cooperative for the few hours?”

“So you say,” Maki frowned, “but I haven’t seen you hold the thing either. Actually, you’re standing farther away from the baby than I am.”

“That’s not true,” Umi replied quickly, taking a step closer to Kotori, who was still holding the baby and gently swaying it in her arms. Umi gazed at the baby with a nervous look.

“It does seem like that Umi hasn’t held Rina yet,” Nozomi said thoughtfully.

Umi cleared her throat. “There is no need to switch now, it will only disturb the baby.”

“But what if Kotori’s arms are getting tired?” Honoka asked.

“I…I…” Umi swallowed when she saw Kotori smiling at her. “I suppose I can hold her too.”

“You’re talking about the baby, right,” Eli remarked, “not Kotori. You’re supposed to hold the baby.”

“Right, of course,” Umi retracted her hands and went for the tiny human in Kotori’s arms instead.

“Umi, be careful,” Kotori said as she slowly let go.

Umi’s stiff arms were stretched out as she held the baby high up in the air. Rina wiggled in this uncomfortable position, and when she realized that she had left Kotori’s arms, she started crying.

“What do I do?” Umi asked, panicked and stressed, still holding the baby far away from her like it was dangerous.

“Hold her!”

“I am holding her!”

“No, hold her close to your chest!” Nico groaned.

Rina was screaming and struggling, making it difficult for Umi to keep holding her.

“Oh my god, she’s going to fall,” Honoka gasped, covering her eyes.

Hanayo quickly took the baby off Umi’s hands and cradled it to her chest. Rina stopped crying immediately, looking up curiously at Hanayo, who kindly smiled at her and hummed a soothing tune.

Umi still had her hands stretched out in shock. Maki high-fived them. “Good job, Umi. You held it for five whole seconds.”

That sobered Umi up, and she glared at Maki. “I would like to see  _you_ holding the baby then.”

“No thank you,” Maki dismissively waved with her hands. “If I wanted to hold a crying baby, I would just hold Nico.”

“Hey!” Nico crossed her arms. “You just don’t want to admit that you’re scared of babies.”

“Me? Scared?” Maki laughed forcefully. “As if. It’s just a baby. It can’t even handle a knife.”

“Why don’t you hold it then?” Nico asked in a challenging tone.

Maki did not like that tone. But even less did she like the baby. “I already said no. When I say no, it means no. When I say yes, it also means no.”

“What?” Rin sniffled. “Did you lie about liking my new sweater then?”

“Ah…” Maki nervously pulled at her collar. “No, I didn’t?”

“Why is that a question?”

“It wasn’t?”

“Again! Maki…” Rin whined.

“Maki…” Eli sighed.

“Maki,” Umi shook her head.

“I swear, if one more person says my name -”

“Mackey~”

“Nico!” Maki burst out in anger.

“Maki!” Hanayo exclaimed in shock when her friend had Nico in a headlock within seconds.

“Nico!” Kotori shouted in alarm when the third year’s face was getting pale.

“Maki,” Umi tried to get the redhead to stop choking Nico.

“Honoka!”

Silence. All eyes turned to the group leader. She scratched her cheek with a sheepish smile. “Ehehe, you know I had to say it.”

Maki let go of Nico, who dropped to her knees and gasped for air. “Were you trying to kill me?”

“Wasn’t it obvious?” Maki asked. “I warned you, but you didn’t listen.”

“Well, just so you know, giving someone a warning doesn’t make murder less illegal!” Nico shouted.

“Guys, you are upsetting the baby!” Eli said, pointing to Rina who had started sniffling again at the noise.

Maki closed her mouth and turned away from Nico. She only stopped because having the little baby crying was even more annoying than the big baby in front of her.

“Why does it always, always,  _always_  have to be like that with you two?” Eli asked in exasperation. “Why do you always have to fight, even to the point of getting violent?”

“Elichi, don’t shame people for their kinks,” Nozomi said with a smirk.

“Nozomi!” Both Maki and Nico shouted in outrage.

That outburst got the baby to cry again, and no matter how much Hanayo cooed and swayed, Rina wouldn’t stop screaming, causing a stressed and overwhelmed Hanayo to start crying herself.

“Hanayo!”

Honoka took the baby from Hanayo, who immediately turned to Rin for comfort.

“Auntie Honoka will make you smile in no time!” Honoka said brightly to the baby, who had paused crying at seeing a new face. “Auntie Honoka will tell you funny stories from her childhood!”

“I doubt that the baby is capable of understanding anything you say,” Umi muttered.

“Then why did it stop crying?” Honoka said triumphantly, grinning at the baby who was staring at her with wide eyes.

“It’s probably wondering what’s beneath that huge forehead,” Nico said with a shrug.

Honoka blew up her cheeks. “How mean! Here then, you take the baby!”

“Honoka, be careful!”

But Honoka had already pushed the baby into Nico’s arms. “You already raised three of these before, it should be easy as pee for you!”

“Honoka, it’s called easy as – ah, never mind,” Eli rubbed her eyes, “it’s too late for that child.”

As expected of Nico, she quickly adapted to mother mode when she held Rina in her arms. The baby quietly sucked on its thumb, looking up at Nico with shining eyes.

“Seems like Nicochi has a new fan,” Nozomi chuckled.

“Are you sure it’s not because the baby identified her as someone of its own kind,” Maki said skeptically.

“Well, aren’t you a ray of sunshine today,” Nico muttered but didn’t break her gaze with the baby. She tipped its tiny nose and got a happy giggle in response.

Maki swallowed the sharp comeback that had been lying on the tip of her tongue. Her cheeks reddened.

Everyone except for Nico looked at Maki in surprise at the lack of reaction, noticing that she was hypnotized by the sight of Nico cooing the little baby.

“Ohh,” Rin slowly said, smirking. Nozomi and Honoka also looked too smug for Maki’s liking.

“What?” she muttered, crossing her arms.

“Nothing,” Rin shrugged, but still smirked like she had discovered every little dirty secret that Maki had been hiding.

“What!” Maki got impatient when even Eli and Umi grinned at her knowingly.

“Nothing,” they said.

“I think I need to use the restroom,” Kotori spoke up, giving Maki a meaningful smile that she just could not understand.

“Me too!” Honoka added quickly, following her friend out of the club room.

“Ah, I might as well go too,” Umi said, leaving as well.

Eli and Nozomi also headed for the door.

“Let me guess,” Maki said with a raised a eyebrow, “bathroom?”

“No no, Elichi and I have class,” Nozomi said, “we don’t make out in bathrooms but on rooftops.”

“Nozomi!”

And an embarrassed Eli chased after Nozomi who had run off laughing.

“Where’s everyone going?” Nico asked in confusion. The baby in her arms became fidgety at the loss of attention.

“Hell if I know.” Maki narrowed her eyes at Rin and Hanayo. “Are you going to leave too?”

“No?” Rin answered unsurely while she and Hanayo slowly walked backwards out the door.

“You’re literally walking out the door right now.”

“This is just an illusion,” Rin’s voice became airy, and she gestured wildly with her arms, “everything you see is just an illusion, even life could be an illusion because we don’t really know what it means to truly live and with that being said – see ya!”

“Rin!”

But Rin and Hanayo were gone. The only ones left were Nico and Maki.

“What just happened?” Nico asked in confusion.

“I don’t know and I have the feeling that I don’t want to know,” Maki muttered, massaging her forehead. “Maybe I should be more concerned about the fact that these things don’t weird me out anymore.”

“Great, so they just ran away from their responsibility,” Nico mumbled, frowning at the baby who mirrored her expression. “You think they are idiots too, right?”

Maki’s need to comment with something sarcastic faded when she saw the fond look Nico gave the baby, suddenly wishing herself to be in that child’s place. She didn’t know, but she somehow felt -

“Thirsty.”

“Huh?”

“I mean, the baby!” Maki cleared her throat. “The baby must be thirsty by now.”

“Well, then give me the bottle of milk that her mother prepared for us,” Nico said.

When Maki didn’t react immediately, Nico looked up to see what was wrong, finding Maki’s confused and disappointed gaze on her. “What? The bottle’s right there on the table.”

“Doesn’t it need breast milk?”

“Very funny,” Nico muttered. “Now give me the bottle.”

“But breast milk is good for the kid.”

“And shutting up is good for you,” Nico’s voice rose. “The bottle. Now!”

“But-”

“I don’t have any breast milk!” Nico shouted, causing the baby to whimper. “Did you sleep in your biology lessons? I’m getting the feeling that you just want me to show you my chest.”

Maki instantly backtracked. “Noo? Why would I want to see that flat chest of yours? It’s not like I care about how your boobs look like or whether they could fit in my hands. You’re wrong when you think that I spend a lot of time thinking about you. And you’re delusional for believing that I want anything from you. Keep lying to yourself if that makes you happy, whatever, I don’t care, I’m out.”

Nico blinked, not really understanding what had happened except that Maki had stormed out of the room.

She looked at the baby in her arms, who gazed back with big round eyes. “Bueh?”

Nico sighed. “Tell me about it.”


	3. After School Entertainers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To promote their new album, Muse is going to appear in a variety show. Stuff happens. Mostly gay and ridiculous stuff.

“A variety show?” Eight voices echoed through the room.

Nico sighed. “You know, you don’t have to do that thing where you all simultaneously yell out in shock.”

“Sorry,” eight voices replied in sync.

Nico’s left eyebrow twitched. “Anyway, we’ve got an offer to appear in a variety show and I think it’s a good chance to promote our new album.”

“Wait,” Umi interjected, “if we appear in these kind of shows, we won’t be taken seriously anymore.”

“Umi,” Maki spoke up, “we’re literally school idols. As in, idols who are still in school. No one takes us seriously.”

“Maki, what did I say about giving unnecessary reality checks?” Nico sighed.

“Not to,” Maki muttered.

“Correct,” Nico nodded. She stood up, walked to the whiteboard and grabbed a marker pen. “Now we all know that these variety shows can be dangerous to our reputation too. If we make a fool of ourselves there, everybody will see it, and those who don’t can still watch it online again and again. So we need to set up a few rules.”

She uncapped the pen and scribbled a few words on the whiteboard.

“No mention of our love lives,” Nico read out loud after she had finished writing it. She turned around to face her club members again. “We just want to do a nice and fun show without any scandals. That means, keep your freaking hands to yourself. Yes, I’m looking at you, Rin, stop rubbing yourself against Hanayo at any chance you get. And I’m also talking to you, Nozomi, don’t you dare to turn your head away. Also, Kotori, maybe try not to stick too close to Umi. The fans will notice. They notice everything. Even things that don’t exist. Because that’s where their interpretation and fantasy sets in, and that scary power shouldn’t be underestimated.”

Kotori pouted. “But Umi will get very nervous if I’m not by her side.”

“Kotori!” Umi ducked her head.

Nico waved with her pen. “No, absolutely no. We can’t upset our female fans, Umi needs to be single. Officially at least.”

“Hold on,” Maki said, watching everyone sitting near Kotori lean back in their seat because a dark cloud was growing over her head, sizzling, “why only Umi. I’m pretty sure I’ve got my share of obsessed fans too.”

“Your mother doesn’t count,” Nico said with an eye roll. “This isn’t about you, darling baby. You just keep being your sarcastic asshole self, thank you.”

“And why is that?”

Nozomi started laughing next to her. “Isn’t that obvious? Nicochi wants to have you all for herself, so she doesn’t want you to become too popular.”

“Nozomi!” Nico hissed. “And what did I tell you about reading people’s minds?”

“Always to do so when you’re not being honest?” Nozomi answered innocently.

Nico stared at the pen in her hand, tempted to throw it at Nozomi’s head. But it was the last functional pen.

“I’ll get you later for it,” Nico muttered. “Anyway. Second rule.”

She turned to the whiteboard again and wrote down a short sentence. “Don’t. Embarrass. Yourself.”

“That’s kind of obvious, isn’t it,” Eli questioned.

“I know,” Nico replied, underlining what she wrote. “But I can’t emphasize it enough. We’re going to be live on air for one hour. A whole lot can go wrong.”

“Come on, we’re going to be fine!” Honoka said brightly, already excited about the show.

“Especially you, Honoka,” Nico growled, pointing her pen at said member, “keep it together. Don’t start with your story of how you ate too much bread one time and threw up during rehearsal. Don’t start with any stories that begin with ‘One time I ate too much -’. Just don’t.”

Honoka stuck out her bottom lip. “I won’t, okay? Have some faith in me.”

“I really want to,” Nico said with a grimace. She turned to the whiteboard again. “Good, next and last point, the most important point of all.”

She wrote down 'Don’t Do Or Say Anything Gay’. 

“Now I know that’s a tough thing to ask of you, but let’s all keep it down for the cameras, okay?  Remember, everything we do and say will be recorded. And I swear, if our videos get viral because of some scandal, I’m going to personally strangle you. Are we clear?”

Everyone nodded.

“Good.” Nico took a deep breath. “Then let’s rock this show.”

 

–

 

“Welcome to the 'Win With Wit’ Show! Tonight, we have some special guests entertaining us, and they are none other than the up and rising school idols, Muse!”

As the audience in the studio was instructed to clap and cheer, the nine members of Muse appeared on stage one after another, waving and smiling at the cameras before they shook hands with the two female moderators, Tanaka and Kiyama.

“Now, to make this interesting, we will form three groups of three who will compete against each other throughout the show,” Tanaka read from her cue card, and Kiyama continued. “You will be divided by your subunits. Lily White, Bibi and Printemps, please take your places.”

Three tables with three chairs each already had their name cards on it, and Muse took their seats respectively. They noticed large notepads and markers in different colors lying on the table, prepared for their use.

“As for those who are watching 'Win With Wit’ for the first time today, let us explain how it works and what the rules are,” Takana announced cheerfully. “It is a game where creativity trumps knowledge. The questions we pose are not asking for information but for ingenuity. The answers have to be formulated within an acceptable frame that we give with each question.”

“Furthermore, the audience will decide which answer was best,” Kiyama added. “They will give nine points to their favorite answer, eight points to their second favorite answer, seven points to their third favorite answer and so on, I think you know how the rest works. The accumulated amount of points a participant collects will be revealed at the end of the show. The group with the most points at the end of the show will have a final showdown between its own members, competing for the right to throw cake into the losers’ faces.”

“Wait a minute,” Maki sat up straight, “no one told me about that cake part-”

“With a good reason,” Nico muttered, pushing Maki back into her chair, “or you wouldn’t have come at all.”

“That’s wasteful,” Umi said with a frown.

“You mean  _awesome_!” Rin was bouncing in her seat. “You get to eat the cake off your face!”

“That is unsophisticated” Umi replied. “Someone put time and effort into making that cake. It belongs in our stomachs and not on our faces.”

“Umi,” Nozomi tapped on her shoulder. “We’re on a variety show. Nothing here is reasonable.”

“Exactly,” Takana laughed, “nothing tonight should be taken too seriously. We are all here to have fun.”

“I thought we were here to promote our new -” Honoka’s mouth was quickly clamped shut by Kotori’s and Hanayo’s hands.

“As you might have already noticed,” Kiyama spoke up, “you have notepads and markers in front of you, and you will have to use them to write down your answers in some games. Now, let’s get the show started!”

The audience clapped again, lights switched and shifted, and interlude music played.

“We will begin with an easy game to warm up,” Takana announced with a bright smile.

A large screen behind them flashed and displayed a title.

“ _Something Starting With 'G’ That Brings You to Tears!”_

“You have fifteen seconds to write down your answer. Ready, go!”

Rin leaned against Nozomi, whispering, “Do you write 'clown’ with a 'g’ or a 'k’?”

“Neither,” Nozomi chuckled in amusement, her eyes glinting with mischief. “You write it with 'ck’.”

“You do know that everyone can hear you,” Umi sighed. “Nozomi, stop teaching that child more non-sense.”

“How do you spell 'clown’ then?”

“R – i – n,” Umi replied.

“R…i…hey!”

“Guys, please,” Eli said, already finished with her part. Not even two minutes into the show, and Muse was already presenting themselves from their finest side. She had a feeling that the rules Nico had set up before were all for naught.

“Okay, time’s up!” the two moderators called out. “Turn around your notepads and show us what you got! Printemps is going first! Your answers, please.”

Hanayo, Honoka and Kotori turned around their notepads at the same time and held them up for the camera.

A bit embarrassed, Kotori hid behinds hers that stated in squiggly characters, “ _Gnomes_.”

Hanayo ducked her head when she showed hers. “ _Gigantic portion of rice_.”

Honoka proudly held up her answer. “ _Gonorrhea_.”

“Oh god, Honoka,” Eli muttered.

“That’s…an interesting point,” Kiyama said slowly.

Takana laughed out loud. “There’s no right or wrong in this show, so it’s a perfectly acceptable answer. Moving on, Lily White please! Things that bring you to tears, starting with 'g’.”

Umi showed her elegant handwriting. “ _Genocide_.”

Rin’s notepad showed several misspellings of the word 'clown’ before she gave up completely and wrote another answer. “ _Geometry_.”

Nozomi smirked when she revealed her answer that was decorated with flower paintings. “ _Garasu no Hanazono._ ”

Eli hid her face in her hands.

“Excellent choices, hard to top that. Unless Bibi has better answers?”

Without showing her face, Eli only held up her answer. “ _Gore_.”

Maki sighed and turned her notepad around. “ _Gendered sunscreen_.”

And Nico was the last one.

“ _Gazing at my perfect reflection in the mirror_.”

“That’s a lot of words,” Kiyama remarked, “but technically, not against the rules. And our first round is over! Dear viewers, please give your votes now!”

Poking Nico beneath the table, Maki whispered, “What’s with that self-centered answer?”

“What’s wrong with it?” Nico shrugged. “I’m promoting self-love. And besides, gendered sunscreen? What the hell?”

“I’m promoting 'cut the gendered products bullshit’.”

“Valid point.”

“I know. I’m smart.”

“I know. That’s hot. Or I wouldn’t be dating you.”

Actually very pleased with that reply, Maki grinned to herself in satisfaction.

“Guys,” Eli whispered next to them, “keep it down.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

The lights in the studio shifted.

“And the voting round is over! Next game!” Takana called, and the large screen behind her displayed the title of their new game.

“ _A Heartbreaking Sentence of Five Words. Restriction: Last word has to rhyme with 'ice’. Nouns, verbs and adjectives that someone used before cannot be repeated._ ”

“What,” the Muse members collectively groaned.

“It does sound like a challenge, especially to the last ones who have to come up with something, but it is not impossible,” Kiyama remarked. “You have twenty seconds each to formulate an answer that you will say out loud: Lily White, please go first!”

“Um,” Nozomi helplessly looked to Umi, who effortlessly began with, “ _My confessions were all lies_.”

“Oh, that’s heartbreaking indeed,” Takana said, shaking her fingers like she had been burned. “I hope that is something our dashing Sonoda-kun never has to say…er, Minami-san, is everything okay?”

Kotori tilted her head and offered a smile. “Of course.”

Hanayo leaned slightly away from her, feeling that dark aura sizzling again.

“Time’s running up, if the other members of Lily White don’t answer now, they will lose one point for each second they pass the time limit.”

“Er, um,” Rin’s expression suddenly lit up. “ _We only have cold fries_.”

Nozomi snapped with her fingers. “ _My chest grew another size._ ”

Nico’s left eyebrow twitched.

“Well, I suppose the definition of heartbreaking is subjective,” Kiyama said slowly. “Printemps!”

“Erm,” Hanayo stuttered, “ _We are out of rice._ ”

Honoka pouted, mimicking her mother’s voice, “ _Stop eating so many pies._ ”

“What’s with this food-related theme?” Maki muttered.

Kotori cleared her throat. “ _I pretended to be nice._ ”

“Ouch, that is effective indeed if it’s coming from our fluffy idol Minami Kotori. Next, Bibi!”

Nico flipped her hair over her shoulder. “ _I am actually into guys._ ”

Maki started violently coughing.

To quickly mask Nico’s answer, Eli blurted out, “ _I cheated on you twice._ ”

Nozomi stiffened. Umi and Rin quickly rubbed her back.

“Wow, that’s quite a devastating line. I don’t think there’s anything that can top that,” Takana said. “Nishikino-san?”

Maki shrugged. “ _Prim from Hunger Games dies._ ”

“No!” Nico exclaimed, slamming her hand down on the table. “I haven’t read that part yet, how could you!”

“I lent you that book a year ago,” Maki said with a blank expression. “On a side note, I want it back.”

“And that concludes this round!” Kiyama said with a nervous side glance to Takana, who seemed to enjoy their participants’ banter too much to move on with the show. “You can now vote on the most heartbreaking line!”

“Phew, that one was tough,” Eli muttered. She suddenly pinched Nico’s arm, who let out a quiet yelp. “What were you thinking? What were you trying to do with that line?”

“Ow?” Nico said in indignation. “I think it’s safe to say that a cute girl like me is too good for boys. So that’s the most heartbreaking thing I could think of. Why, did it work too well?”

Maki grumbled, but didn’t speak up.

“Oh, baby, I didn’t mean it that way, you know that’s just a game,” Nico soothingly rubbed Maki’s thigh. “Besides, Eli is the one who sounded like confessing something that’s been bottled up inside for a long time. Hm?”

“W-what?” Eli stuttered. “No, I only said it to get the attention away from your risky line.”

“Yeah,” Nico said slowly, “try to explain that to Nozomi. She looks like she’s ready to pull the death card on you.”

Sweat trickled down Eli’s forehead as she feverishly thought of a way to set things right again.

The studio lights turned bright again, indicating the next part of the variety show.

“Game number 3!” Takana cheered. “What will it be?”

“ _Just Three Words And I’m Yours.”_

“Oh,” Takana said in amusement. “Give us three words that will win over your heart. Repetitions are not allowed. This time, Bibi goes first!”

“Here, here,” Nico raised her hand.

“Oh, we have a volunteer. Go ahead, Yazawa-san. Which three words can win you over?”

Nico grinned. “ _I am rich._ ”

Maki started coughing.

“Nishikino-san, everything alright? You want to go next?”

“Yeah,” she cleared her throat. “ _I am modest._ ”

“Seriously?” Nico blew up her cheeks.

Eli tried to get a look of Nozomi, staring at the Lily White table. “ _Love you unconditionally_.”

Nozomi seemed to have felt that this was addressed at her. “ _You are perfect._ ”

“Oh no,” Nico muttered, “I can already hear the prelude melody to Garasu no Hanazono…”

Rin pumped her fists in the air. “ _Free food forever!_ ”

Umi squared her shoulders. “ _Knowledge is power._ ”

“Very much like Sonoda-san,” Takana nodded. “Three words and I’m yours. What would they be to Printemps?”

Honoka waved excitedly. “ _Fresh melon bread._ ”

Hanayo wiped at her mouth. “ _I made onigiri._ ”

“Do you ever talk about anything besides food,” Nico muttered.

“Minami-san, which three words make your heart pound?” Takana asked to remind Kotori that she was the last one who hadn’t answered yet.

She tilted her head and hummed thoughtfully before her expression lit up. “ _Sonoda Umi desu._ ”

Umi hid her face in her hands. Eli and Nico groaned. “So much for keeping the gay down.”

But the audience wasn’t shocked by that answer, instead nodding and cheering in agreement as they seemed to be able to relate to that.

“Oh, well,” Takana said in amusement. “That is a very convincing argument to win our hearts indeed.”

“And that concludes our third round!” Kiyama continued, getting more and more insecure with the progress of this show. Was it only her who felt that this was all going in a strange direction?

“Dear viewers, now it’s your chance to vote on the best line,” Takana announced, more relaxed about this than her colleague. “But we all know that nothing can beat Minami-san’s answer.”

“Why do I feel like that this is going only downhill now,” Eli muttered.

“It was going downhill the moment we agreed to do this show,” Maki said lowly, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair. “There’s no way we’re finishing this tonight without a scandal.”

“Don’t say it,” Eli growled, “I swear, if you’re going to jinx it -”

“Since when do you believe in that superstitious stuff,” Maki frowned.

Nico yawned. “That’s obviously Nozomi’s influence. Once you start dating someone, you kind of adapt some of their traits yourself.”

“Is that so?” Maki twirled strand of hair around her fingers. “Then which traits of mine influenced you?”

Nico hummed in thought. “You think I’m cute…which is why I think of myself as even cuter than before. Like, how is it even possible for someone to be this cute, I’m like, absolutely flawless like -”

“Don’t say you woke up like this when I’ve got those green sticky stains on my pillow from your beauty mask to prove otherwise,” Maki cut in.

Nico pouted. “I was going to say 'flawless like my girlfriend’ but then you had to open your mouth.”

“Oh.” Maki’s hair twirling intensified. “Do you still think that?”

“Nope,” Nico crossed her arms, looking the other way, “you ruined it.”

Eli was close to banging her head on the table. “Let this show be over already.”

“Now, let’s start our 4th round!” Takana announced.

The lights dimmed, and the large screen flashed with a new title. “ _Rhyme Or Die._ ”

“That’s incredibly harsh,” Umi muttered.

“For this challenge,” Kiyama looked at her cue cards, “you have to finish each others’ sentences with a rhyme. If you break the chain, you are out, and the game continues until there’s only one winner left. The winner will get 9 points, the second place 8 points, and so on.”

“Rhymes are stupid, I don’t want to do it,” Rin complained.

“But you’re already rhyming, so quit your whining,” Nico replied.

“Really?” Maki raised an eyebrow. “Did you really have to do that?”

“Yeah, consider it a payback.”

“Guys, we’re getting off track,” Eli sighed.

“The next one who ends this with a rhyme will end up dead,” Maki growled.

Honoka coughed. “With their head found in a backpack.”

“Urgh!” Maki threw up her hands in frustration. “Just cut me some slack! Goddamnit, now I can’t stop…”

“Why is being normal so hard,” Eli whispered.

“Everything’s still okay, we haven’t said anything gay,” Rin said brightly.

“Rin, you can’t just say the g-word on TV,” Umi scolded her.

“Eh? What’s the g-word, Nozomi?”

Nozomi thoughtfully tilted her head. “Well, that would be me.”

Umi hummed. “I actually can’t disagree.”

Kiyama wanted to stop them but Takana touched her shoulder. “Oh, just let them be.”

“Does anyone even know what they’re doing anymore?” Eli asked tiredly.

Nico frowned. “Do you mean life in general -”

“The  _show_ , what do you think are we here for?”

“Good question,” Umi gazed at the moderators in confusion. “Are we still playing?”

“I don’t know, you tell me,” Kiyama muttered, having completely given up.

Takana grinned. “Just keep doing what you do, you’re doing great.”

“But I think we need a break,” Eli suggested. “None of us are thinking straight.”

“Haha, it’s because we’re -”

Umi clamped Rin’s mouth shut. “No. Not today.”

“It’s too late for us anyway,” Hanayo muttered, staring at her phone on her lap. “Now everybody knows we’re g-”

“Glad that it’s finally commercial break!” Kiyama cut in. “We’ll be back in eight!”

The studio lights turned bright again and the music began to fade.

“Why does no one follow the rules we made?” Nico sighed. “Didn’t I specifically ask you not to do anything g-”

“Great,” Maki groaned sarcastically. “Wasting my time here and not even getting paid…”

“Do you do anything besides complaining and throwing shade?” Nico asked.

“No, and you knew that before you asked me out on a date,” Maki crossed her arms.

Nico grinned. “Well, I guess that’s true, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

And all the other members collectively groaned, giving up the charade of being straight, exclaiming the word they’ve wanted to say all day.

“Gaaay!”

 

 

–

 

The day after.

Nico almost choked on her morning coffee when she saw the headline on a school idol news website.

_Muse Appears in Win With Wit – Nation Becomes Emotional Over How Well These Gal Pals Get Along_


End file.
